remember what your heart is for

i feel very strange at the moment.

i keep feeling like i'm slipping away from everyone i know. i've felt this before and i recognise it. i kind of knew something like this would happen when everyone moved away to university and so i tried to prepare myself, but i really couldn't. it feels like every time we meet up, i can feel myself becoming more and more distant from my friends. some i barely even recognise as the people they were when they left. they've all changed in so many ways, and i don't feel that i have at all. i am stagnant. the fixed point of the turning world around me (if i may butcher ts eliot's words for my own mediocre problems).

i feel like it's harder for me somehow, because i haven't moved away or even moved to a different school environment. college is really just the same as sixth form, and i've moved on from what i'm currently studying. i still have friends in newcastle, but i'm so busy with college i hardly see them. i do have friends at college, but i'm not as close to them.

i feel like i'm clinging on for dear life to this part of my life that i don't want to end. but slowly, it will leave my grasp.

i don't want people to comment on this post that it will all be alright, or i will feel better eventually. i know that i will, but that doesn't make the here & now any less painful or difficult or heart-wrenching.

*

i think it's not really the right time for an introspective, maudlin post so close to new year. i feel i should be looking forward and making plans and being happy about the year that is yet to come - which in so many ways i am, and yet i can't shake that creeping, foreboding feeling that everything is falling away from me.