please please please let me get what i want.

sorry about what is about to follow, but i've been feeling unbelievably down lately & i have nowhere else to let it out.

i feel like everything is slipping away from me. schoolwork, friends, blogging, pretty much everything i hold dear. i feel like i'm becoming bitter & twisted, and i burst into tears over the slightest thing. it's so hard for me to talk about this, as i feel stupid for being down about stupid, infintesimal things like university degrees & being expressive in my artwork when there are starving children all over the world. in fact, i almost feel like i don't deserve to be unhappy, like it's sheer first-world arrogance to be "depressed" because the pressures of being rich are too much to bear.

but then other times i'm perfectly happy, & it's as if nothing has happened, as if my mind has literally brushed everything under the carpet.

i wish i had the guts to actually say this to someone in real life, but i physically cannot make myself do that. i berate myself everyday for being such a cold, closeted person & i wish i could open up to someone - anyone. i've tried with my mum but i can never get my point across & there is no way on earth i could speak to my dad. i couldn't speak to my friends either because i'd feel i was a burden & i don't feel close enough to them, which is completely my fault because i constantly shut myself off from other people by being overly outgoing & pseudo-sharing.

these are stupid, stupid thoughts and stupid, stupid excuses which every day i tell myself i am going to get over, suck it up & talk to someone, but i just can't.