woe.

hi.

i've been having a really difficult time this week. from realising just how much money i have thrown at my jewellery shop so far, to facing the horror that is deciding on university courses.

i've been so conflicted and confused about choosing what path i want to follow next year. i had an interview today to get on textiles specialism for my foundation course (and i got accepted), and i was so excited afterwards for the course. the way the lecturer described what we would be doing was so unlike anything i have ever done before, and it all sounded so new and enriching and fun. sometimes it's hard to remember that education is supposed to be fun, and not something we must go through in order to get a job. she was so lovely, and so enthusiastic & complimentary about my work, and narcissistic as it sounds, sometimes we need to hear that we're doing alright. sometimes i need to hear that i am actually good at something.

she told me that my work had a really fresh colour palette, and my drawing was lovely. and she's friends with one of my favourite local artists. everything about this textiles course sounds so good!

and yet.

somehow i can't stop pulling my mind back to what could be, or what could have been. it's really difficult to avoid thinking about what it would be like to be studying english literature. this year. sometimes i kick myself for choosing to do this year straight away without even properly looking around or considering my other options first.

i keep thinking about all the things i loved about english last year, and how i much i love reading.

books. i seem to amass a never ending pile of books to read, reading multiple things at a time, favouriting poems on the internet to read later. i have hardly any time to properly read now and it feels like such a waste.

i love discussing books, and getting into heated arguments about different authors and images and motifs. it is such a beautiful thing, language, and somehow i feel like i'm missing out by not completely immersing myself in it.

i don't know, i think i'm just feeling a touch of the grass-is-greener attitude at the moment. but it feels like it's been building for a while, since i finished my art a level in fact. but then i think back about how much i truly adored my final two projects at school because of all the sewing i did, and i don't want to miss out on that either!

i think i'm lucky in a way that the course i'm currently doing is ranked as one of the best in the country - in fact, previous students from this course have gone on to work with giles deacon and alexander mcqueen. one ex-alumna is even doing an internship with mary katrantzou, one of my favourite ever designers. i don't want to miss an opportunity to reach what could be my full potential.

i'm going to mull this over for a while. or at least i hope to - the college leaders on my course require that i start to fill in my ucas form over half term, which means saying whether i will be applying through the college, or as an individual. or, in plainer terms, if i will be doing textiles or english literature.

i don't think i will be posting that often over the next few weeks. i have quite a few things to sort out, including this i have also signed myself up to sell jewellery at a craft market in november.